What Dating and Interviewing Have in Common (Except Please Don't Date Who You Interview)

Among several passions, interests, entrepreneurial endeavors and job experiences, I've been an inside (corporate) recruiter for about 21 years. I've been a salesman's daughter all my life. My daddy, who worked as a wedding and bar mitzvah photographer on the weekends as a second job, had me cold-calling prospects when I was 14 years old.

Howard (my father) taught me then and since that selling is not shoving unwanted products down customers' throats: it is instead first determining the customer's needs and then meeting those needs. It was a great and early introduction to my own native skills, and it definitely formed the basis of my success as both a recruiter and a candidate.

As a result of my journey to date, in both robust markets and during several rides to the Recession Rodeo, I've come to the conclusion that the following skills are congruent: interviewing; selling; marketing; networking; and dating. Had I recognized these skill intersections when dating was a primary interest in my life, I definitely would have dated more.

However, in the spirit of full disclosure as an HR practitioner, you definitely should not date who you interview.

There are several opportunities at play within these skill intersections, for both employers and prospective employees. These are not meant to be inclusive or ranked in order of importance; merely thought- and continuous improvement-provoking.

I also use these skill intersections to illustrate how accessible the recruiting and interview process can be when I train others to both interview and recruit.

First: an intense curiosity to learn about new people and to have new experiences with them. My friend Nan (who is a writer and an English teacher) and I share this gift. Nan applied her skill masterfully in the dating category. To this day, I marvel at her ability when she was single to secure at least one date in nearly every social situation. As a runner-up to Nan, I always make a new networking connection no matter what the setting, because of my native curiosity to draw out and learn people's individual stories, which more often than not, are wonderful takeaway nuggets.

Second: the ability to read signals, verbal and non-verbal, and determine whether or not needs are being met for both parties. I have ended meetings or revised the original meeting agenda, no matter what side of the interview table I sit on, when I determine that there isn't a needs match on both sides, in the spirit of saving time and preserving mutual esteem and credibility.

One example was an interview for a senior HR position as a candidate: once the recruiter finished his clearly rote description of the position, I then asked him why he wasn't considering our mutual friend Lynn -- she was a perfect match for the position, which substantiated my intuitive conclusion that the position was not for me. He subsequently recruited and hired Lynn. I love vocational matchmaking.

And then there was the guy with a strong Accounting background who came to my then-company's job fair booth and began our interaction complaining that he had been job-hunting for several months and that he couldn't catch a break because his last boss was an asshole and that his age was a problem and that's why he couldn't get hired. Yikes. I stopped him and told him the truth: that he needed to resolve his frustration before he approached the next hiring authority, as he was clearly undermining himself. He was grateful: no one had ever given him that feedback.

Speaking of signals: watch-checking -- whether on a date or an interview -- telegraphs a clear "Stick a fork in me, I'm done" message. A strategically placed clock over the candidate's (or date's, or customer's) shoulder is a more subtle and respectful time-tracker.

Third, and perhaps most important: knowing what you want, whether you're the candidate or the hiring authority. I'm a big advocate of defining exactly what you want (and what you have to offer) affirmatively and in detail before recruitment (or job search) begins. This preparation invariably produces expedited screening processes, specific and meaningful interview questions and dialogue, and on-target needs identification for both candidates and hiring authorities, which in turn translates into focused marketing that invariably produces better results. Covey's classic "begin with the end in mind."

However, the human experience often presents these nuggets in the form of learning from our mistakes, e.g. learning first what you don't want.

Like dating the newly recovering medical student for a year and a half despite the fact that on the first date, he took me to dinner knowing full well that he did not have the money to pay, but cutting him slack because he was adorable. Unfortunately, just being adorable was not enough to sustain a relationship. I subsequently learned my lesson after that relationship on the first date with the immature lawyer who took me to the movies knowing that he did not have the money with him to pay. There was no second date with the immature lawyer, lesson learned.

And then there was the wonderful 5-hour first date with the man I knew would become my husband. Except I had the sense by then not to mention that intuition during that first date.

Fourth, as noted above: the ability to identify red flags, large and small, and to assess whether or not, according to what you have clearly defined as what you want, if the red flags you identify are manageable or deal-killers. And to not ignore those red flags, instead to drill down into them with additional questions / discussion to confirm or deny your red-flag intuition.

A candidate example was the nonprofit Executive Director who called me before 8 AM the Saturday morning after my first interview with her to spontaneously continue the interview -- I respectfully withdrew myself from consideration. I could easily extrapolate what it would be like to work for her: she'd show up on my doorstep early every Saturday morning expecting coffee.

One of the sadder hiring-authority examples was the guy who showed up still drunk for his first day of work from celebrating his new job into the wee hours the night before. His employment offer of course was rescinded.

Because here's where the first date and the first interview are identical: for both the hiring authority and the job candidate, it's as good as it gets: we're all on our best behavior. So if the red flags bleed outside the boundaries of your standards on that first date or interview, more likely than not, it's not going to get any better than that first encounter. Then both parties need to decide whether or not to move forward -- whether or not needs will be met on both sides.

Hiring authorities: The manner in which you recruit employees should be the same as the manner in which you attract customers, as it requires the same passion and energy. And you never know when a job candidate can end up as a customer, especially in a local economy like SmAlbany. Recruiting is part of your branding and your reputation. Everyone, internally and externally, is a customer -- it's a win-win set-up and ultimately reflects best on your organization.

Job candidates: you are the product that you're selling to the prospective employer. Have you determined their particular needs? Can you clearly demonstrate how you will meet / exceed their needs in the interview? Have you asked for the order by telling the hiring authority that you want the job, and that you're the best candidate for the job because you've laid out the true facts of how you will meet and / or exceed their needs? (Asking for the order without making the factual case of meeting the hiring authority's needs is like saying "I love you" on the first date, by the way -- it cheapens everyone in the conversation.) It's a lot more work, but it feels much better than the stereotypical candidate paradigm of supplicant, don't you think?

That symmetry goes for subsequent interviews too: I'm a big fan of Ask the Headhunter, where among other nuggets, I wholeheartedly support his philosophy of doing the job during the interview, as this benefits and identifies needs on both sides of the interview table. One of my best career interview experiences as a candidate was the interview task to write a sample press release as if there was currently a plant emergency. I loved it, and my hiring (and subsequent) manager, Bill, picked up on my energy. Needs met and matched!

Seriously though -- please don't date who you interview. I'll talk more about that in a future post.

Good hunting: have a great week.